Blog for Self Improvement

Do you possess an inspiring symbol of hope or peace of mind? Do you use it as a cue to increase your self-awareness and alter the way you are feeling at any given moment? The great psychologist Carl Jung once wrote, “Only the symbolic life can express the need of the soul—the daily need of the soul, mind you!” Everyone has soul needs, especially when grieving. Using a personal symbol will help you fill this deep inner need and have an immense effect on the focus of your thought life.

Symbols bring great meaning when suffering, and are potent sources to draw on in coping with loss. Visual reminders and images have always been high-powered motivators and energizers. Archibald MacLeish, American poet and Pulitzer Prize winner, has argued that we are moved more by symbols than by ideas. A personal symbol will alert you to do something about your present condition; it will give direction to your life. Use it to shock you out of a spiraling down turn.

Choose a symbol that will remind you of the beliefs, goals, new skills, behaviors, or routines that you wish to establish. Or, you can use it as a signal to let go of unfinished business, any conflict that you had with the deceased, or to say a prayer, or repeat an important affirmation. The color, shape, and material of the symbol can also be used to recall spiritual truths and specific events that stimulate inspirational thoughts.

Anyone can learn to find comfort through the use of motivating symbols, which are essentially reminders to change behavior. The key to success in using them is twofold: choose the appropriate visual reminder for what you want to accomplish, and develop the awareness to immediately employ the optimistic response you associate with it, at the moment of need. If you change your current state of focus, you will indeed control feelings and emotions.

Here is a partial list of ten suggestions for symbols you might choose.

1. A quote from your favorite author. Over 40 years ago, I read a book called Heart of a Champion, by the Olympic gold medal pole vault champion, Bob Richards. Here is a quote I have always remembered: “The determining factor in life is not ability, its what you think you can do. You can stretch every aspect of your being if you are dedicated.”

2. A favorite memory put on canvas, drawn, or sketched.

3. Any object that belonged to the deceased or one he/she purchased for you.

4. An emblem designed with a personal message that only you will know its meaning. Here’s an example: IWALU (I will always love you).

5. Frame a line or two from a poem to hang in a special area in your home or office. One of my favorites is Will by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919) and these three lines:

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate,

Can circumvent or hinder or control

The firm resolve of a determined soul.

6. A quilt made of clothing worn by the loved one.

7. A heart-shaped stone or other stone found at the seashore. Have it or any small object you like, put in Lucite and placed on a shelf or table.

8. A photo of a place you visited with your loved one or one cut from a magazine.

9. A zipper hugger clipped on to a coat zipper or a key chain.

10. Pocket tokens.

Deaths of loved ones leave a lasting mark, and your loss will force you to become a more complete person, wiser, and more understanding of the need for love, discovery, and a changing vision. Symbols will bring you in touch with that inherent wisdom as they nourish your spirit. So take the time to use your imaginative muscle and create a symbol that will stir your depths and strengthen your inner life.

By: Louis LaGrand, Ph.D.

Source: http://www.articledashboard.com

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is

www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

I'd like you to try a simple experiment.

First, get an empty backpack and fill it full of stones. If you don't have access to stones, you can use potatoes, canned food, or whatever else is handy, until it weighs about 30 pounds.

Got it? Great. Now put your arms through the straps and put it on your back.

For the second part of the experiment, find some small pebbles, the sharper the better. Put a dozen or so in each of your shoes, then put your shoes back on. Now, wear this backpack and those pebbles in your shoes for the rest of your life.

Outrageous? Stupid? Masochistic? Of course it is. So why would you do exactly the same thing by holding a grudge against someone?

Grudges don't hurt the person who wronged you. They hurt you. And when you carry them around, they become a torture instrument of the person who injured you in the first place, punishing you again and again every time you take the grudge out and go over it.

When you look at it in terms of real physical harm, like the fatigue and pain caused by the backpack and pebbles, it's easy to see the danger. But when it's psychological pain, we tend to underestimate it, even though that can increase your stress level, make you susceptible to high blood pressure, and leave you feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

The 'poor me' syndrome

So why do we carry grudges? Why do we refuse to forget a slight somebody inflicted on us in the past, perhaps years ago?

Maybe it has to do with our normal need for attention. When we can pull an old grudge out, parade it in front of our friends or relatives, maybe we'll get some sympathy. Maybe they'll tell us how unfair life has been to us and that we're really a good person who didn't deserve such injustice.

Others will commiserate with us, pat us on the back and marvel at our bravery in holding up under such a load.

But if we were lugging that backpack full of rocks around, more likely they'd say, "What's the matter with you? Stop doing that to yourself." Actually, that's probably what they're thinking when you pull out your old grudges for the umpteenth time.

How to let it go

The first step in ridding yourself of these psychological anchors is to recognize that the only person being hurt here is you--certainly not the person who harmed you. There's no nobility in making yourself miserable. There's no reward in resurrecting painful memories, except a dose of fresh pain.

Only when you're willing to admit that this is self-destructive behavior are you ready to start dealing with it. When you understand that periodically renewing your old hurts makes as much sense as walking on sharp pebbles will you be ready to stop punishing yourself.

The next step is to care more about your present and your future than about your past. Why ruin today and tomorrow with regrets from yesterday? Happiness is not just a matter of doing positive things. It also requires that we stop doing negative things.

Finally, acknowledge that like whiskey to an alcoholic, even a little wallowing in your old grudges can be deadly. You have much more control of your mind than you give yourself credit for. When you become alert to the these damaging thoughts, you're better able to stop them in their tracks.

Forgive, forget, or both?

Forgiving is one of the hardest things we have to do, but that's because we try to accomplish it with feelings instead of an act of the will.

Forgiving is always in your best interest. It stops the grudge from doing you future harm. That doesn't mean you'll forget. Forgiving still leaves a scar. Refusing to forgive leaves an open wound.

Often the only justice you'll receive is the kind you'll get when you refuse to let an old grudge continue to hurt you any more. Dropping that backpack and emptying those pebbles from your shoes will lighten you immeasurably for the rest of your journey.

You owe yourself that.

About the Author: Jack Zavada helps people live happier, more relaxed lives through his web site www.inspiration-for-singles.com.

Source: http://www.easyarticles.com

Meaning affects everything we do; and equally important it affects the body and its physiology as attested to by the many examples of body-mind relationships, such as the placebo effect. Finding meaning in death is not always easy, and sometimes it is hard to find.

However, the search for meaning after a loved one dies can make the difference in how you cope with your loss and reinvest in life. The Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, put it this way, “Meaning makes a great many things endurable—perhaps everything.”

Searching for meaning is useless early in your grief; first, give yourself much time to express emotion and review the relationship. Eventually, make every effort to find meaning in your loss. Here are seven considerations that have provided meaning for others after the death of a loved one, and that may help you in your own search.

1. Meaning derived from the belief that there is a spirit world. Many people have reported experiences that have convinced them there is a spirit world and an afterlife. The Near-Death Experience (NDE) has occurred to over 8 million people who report going through a tunnel, seeing others who have predeceased them, and a beautiful white light.

Others, who were mourning the death of a loved one, have experienced dreams, visions, and various synchronistic and symbolic events, called Extraordinary Experiences (EEs). These events provided comfort and enough evidence for them to believe their loved ones live on in another existence. This had great influence on the course of their grief work.

2. Meaning derived from celebration of the life that was lived. This may include dedications, memorializations, carrying on a particular tradition, or doing volunteer work in honor of the deceased. Some survivors have started support groups, or supported the newly bereaved in their community depending on their needs.

3. Meaning derived from the belief that there is a heaven and a hell. Many people who are grieving find solace in their beliefs that their loved ones are in heaven with God. Also, many embrace the doctrine of the Communion of Saints, where they can pray to their loved ones, and ask them to intercede to God for them.

4. Meaning derived from the belief that love never dies. Many who receive a contact from a deceased loved one or a divine being interpret it as an act of love. Their love for the deceased continues on as they reinvest in life and establish a new, healthy, but different relationship. To feel loved and to give love when hurting is a little utilized but highly effective coping tool.

5. Meaning derived from the belief that there will some day be a reunion with the deceased. Those who believe in an afterlife, heaven, or receive an EE, are often convinced they will see their loved one again when they die. They have no fear of death, and reinvest their energies in their present life.

6. Meaning derived from the belief that the loved one is still giving comfort, caring, and providing support. “Even in death he/she is still giving and caring,” is the thought of many who sense the presence of their loved one when mourning. This is a profound example for them to emulate.

7. Meaning derived from the belief that the deceased is whole and healthy in a different existence. Many of the after death contacts that the bereaved experience show the loved one whole and healthy again. They are grateful that the beloved is no longer in pain.

Obviously, there are many, many more ways that individual mourners find meaning in the death of their loved ones, which helps them integrate their losses into their lives. Much depends on the personal beliefs, nature of the relationship with the deceased, and mode of death. The search for meaning is an important part of grief work for most, and it frequently becomes a time when we are open to revising our world views and beliefs about life and death.

Sometimes trying to make sense out of the death seems fruitless. For example, how do you find meaning in the death of a four-month-old child in her crib (this happened to me)? I eventually was able to come to terms with it. Still, searching for the cause of the experience and pulling meaning from it with a trusted friend or relative is useful. We need others at this time to be with us when we are in pain.

By: Louis LaGrand, Ph.D.

Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His website is:

www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

Imagine a gruesome physical injury. Dripping blood, internal organs exposed on a human body. Now imagine that it is your body.

There is a strong natural reluctance to looking at it - you might grimace and look away. Even if you have a strange fascination with it, you still don't want to get close.

There is a similar mess inside your heart. We don't want to look at it, or get close. We fear reopening old wounds. But unless we reach in and untangle that mess, it will always be there, rotting away inside you, until you spiral down into depression and a ruined life!

You have to deal with lingering sadness. Otherwise, any happiness you achieve will not be true or lasting.

Almost everyone has sadness inside them that they don't show. They don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes they don't even know it - the hurt is often repressed.

Pluck up some courage and some honesty. Join me and we'll look deep inside to find and fix that pain.

How to untangle your heart

1. Find somewhere you can be alone. Sit quietly and think for a moment: Is there anything you cannot let go of? Is there anything that keeps coming into your mind that – even for a second – drops you into gloom? Such thoughts might seem like minor or ordinary. Don't discount them though, for they are symptoms of repressed sadness.

2. Close your eyes and be still. Breathe deep. Try to give the sadness a voice. Why are you sad? If you are the sadness, what would you say?

3. Let yourself feel the sadness. Don't repress it. Face everything you compulsively think about but try to ignore or forget. How does it feel? How does it make your body want to react?

4. Really get into it. What happened to you? In what way does it hurt you? Do you feel trivialised, insulted, abused, abandoned, or betrayed? Let your body react the way it wants to - if you want to curl up and cry, then do so. It's normal to feel weird or self-conscious, just keep going!

5. Are there any internal blocks? Is there a little voice that says "Men don't cry"? Is there a voice telling you that you've already dealt with it? Or it's nothing serious? That is denial. Keep going!

6. Cry! Have you forgotten how to cry? What you want to achieve is deep crying, the kind that is physically takes over your chest or more. If all you can get are a few tears that is fine too. In fact if you haven’t cried for a long time, it might be all you get the first time.

7. Personally I find it helps to sit in a corner somewhere on the floor and cry. Maybe it echoes with childhood pain. Get a motel if you have to, so no-one can see you (if you live with someone). Cry, and cry, and cry. It's releasing. Say everything you’ve always wanted to say. Don’t censor yourself. Tell the person who hurt you what they did to you, how deeply they have cut you.

Final tips

You might need several tries. Pain comes in waves, and often times one attempt won’t be enough to release all that pent-up energy.

Why did the last few steps seem repetitive? There are often so many internal blocks that you have to overcome, and we have to deal with each individually. When I did this I had major blocks stopping me. I couldn't cry. I haven't cried in years - I was drilled since childhood not to cry. What a bad mistake, but one that many parents make with boys.

It is acceptable to wait for a fitting time (being alone for example) to show it, but do not hold it in or pretend it doesn’t exist. If you feel it then it is there. No need to rationalise it or intellectualise it. Accept and honour your feelings. Find a time and place to deal with it.

Note: while women can cry in front of their friends, do it alone if you are male - even if your wife or girlfriend wants to support you, don't let her! The damage to your image and her respect for you will be irreparable. Trust me on this one.

By: Albert Foong

I had to take a friend to the doctor today and as I sit here in the waiting room about to doze off I begin to write this article. By the way, why do waiting rooms in doctor's offices make people sleepy?

OK, let me get back on track. As I'm sitting here, I hear a lady behind me talking of her past depression. She mentions she felt so lonely after her dear husband passed away. In her own words, 'her whole world fell apart.' She said her husband handled everything in their marriage such as the money, bills and auto maintenance. After he passed away she became overwhelmed with all the finances and other responsibilities she now had to deal with, not to mention the fact that she was still mourning the death of her husband.

This conversation got me to thinking of how many people deal with the painful loss of a loved one.

Many times when a loved one passes, those left behind might not immediately feel the effects of that loss. It has not 'hit them' or 'sunk in' yet. Sometimes it takes a while for a person to react to the loss. Some may try to stay strong or hide their feelings in front of others. But when the funeral is over and the family and friends have returned to their homes, the person may break down. It finally sinks in. Some sink into a depression so bad they close themselves off from the rest of the world. They take extra time off from work and even turn down invitations from family and friends.

Isolation and self-pity are never the answer. It's okay to mourn. Even people in Bible times mourned when they lost loved ones in death.

A few examples of this include:

* King David who was grief stricken when his son Absalon died (2Samuel 18:33)

* Abraham bewailed the loss of his dear wife, Sarah (Genesis 23:2)

* Even Jesus himself, who was a perfect man, 'gave way to tears' over the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35)

So this shows that there is a sadness when we lose a loved one to death.

The thing is to not dwell on everything. Keep busy. Get involved in other things such as hobbies. Get you mind off the loss. The memories will always be there but they don't have to be painful.

Another thing that can help you deal with your sorrow is Bible reading. God, being the loving God that he is, helps his people to endure the extreme sadness and grief that comes with bereavement. God's spirit helps us to have peace and faith in the worderful future promised in his Word the Bible.

The Scriptures refer to God as 'the God of all comfort,' so we can be sure that he will give us the strength we need and not let us be overwhelmed by sad thoughts about our dead loved one.

Knowing all this should help us realize that we are not alone in experiencing the pain of our loss. Others have been through the same thing. In time, the pain will subside. The world is not going to stop for our broken heart. Life will go on. Things WILL get better.

So knowing all of this and the fact that even the perfect man Jesus went through this as well, should help us to deal with the painful loss of a loved one.

Source: www.easyarticles.com

About the Author: Anna Allen is author of several articles on depression and grief. Visit her depression website at: http://www.depressionadviceonline.com/index.html or visit her Depression Blog which contains helpful articles that are updated daily: http://depressionadviceonline.blogspot.com/